Jaga Mohan's Universe/SadMan

Surprise

2010-12-01T12:21:00.001-08:00

I think the hardest part of dealing with depression is the way it just pops up with no warning. The last few days I'd kinda been feeling a little better, or so I thought. I'd had a big discussion about some personal things at home that left me feeling really negative about myself. I even spilled my guts in email since sometimes its the only way I feel I can get my thoughts out without getting sidetracked. I never know how to take it when there is no response to spilling your guts about life. But either way, I thought I was starting to feel better. I was done with on call and got some sleep. Hubby made me take my meds during the on call this time so I think maybe they're starting to work a little.

Then comes today, out of the blue, with no warning, no nothing. BAM!!! Its back and I feel like dirt again. I feel hopeless, undesired, unwanted, un-needed, all of it. I feel fat, I just can't find a grain of anything to feel good about. What happened? What changed? Its like someone flipped a switch and down I went. And I went down hard. I keep saying that this is not the life I wanted or anticipated. I hear how hard it is on the guys at home. You have no idea how hard this is on me. I feel alone, and just like crap, not a pretty place to be. I wish beyond anything that this would go away forever.

Not so much to help matters, my medication prescriber, is still pushing me into a different job. I have easily applied for around 80 jobs and zip. I guess its times like these that I often feel like those around me would be better off. I get tired of being a drain (physically, emotionally and monetarily) on everyone. I mean what am I supposed to do? work three jobs at bookstores? Sometimes ya just can't cry enough.

On and On

2010-11-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago, I found myself in a very encouraging interview with the perfect type of job. Sure it was a slight cut in pay but seemed promising and I had hope. Of course now I can't get returned messages which says to me - sorry charlie. I am scheduled for an interview tomorrow, and oddly I feel worse about myself as I explore it. Firstly it was a cut of $4/hr in pay, no benefits, and then I get the confirmation email this evening. Well it doesn't start for several weeks at the earliest then lump in that the first month is half time and it ends in either February or March. With 17 years experience, this is all I can seem to find. My jobs keep going down in pay and it just adds to the financial drain at home. I guess if we all three were working it might be less of an issue. I seriously think when Anthony goes back to work I'll end up being the low wage earner in the house. This is what 17 years gets me.

I feel that proverbial rope getting shorter and shorter. I keep wondering if I can, should or even will manage to hang on long enough. Its a legit concern for me. I'm so tired of all of the negative, I just don't even want to get outta bed in the mornings. I am also tired, beyond imagination, of being this giant energy suck here at home. What to do, what to do. I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do from here. Is this how I will be from now on? I honestly thought my life would be so different from what it is. I guess I expected that I'd actually have a life. I guess I expected somehow I'd find happiness, but no matter how hard I hunt, I can't seem to get there these days.

A rough, rough weekend

2010-11-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

This has been a trying time for me indeed. My job requires an On-Call rotation, and it averages every two to three weeks that I'm on. When I'm On-Call, I have to stop any of my anti-depressant medications, my anti-anxiety medication and my medications for my insomnia. What has happened over time is the therapeutic levels of the meds haven't stayed high enough to work. My doctor upped the med amounts but I have to keep stopping them for the weeks I'm on call. Why do I stop them? Well you work in the office 8-5, then you are sitting by the phone from 5-8, maybe even going out on a site visit. My Cymbalta makes me groggy as does the anti-anxiety and sleeping med. And as I go without, I slowly start to loose the benefit. Toss in the stress of being on call, the depression, anxiety and insomnia and I can promise its a recipe for disaster.

I had a bad bout with a call where I broke down. I just was so drained, tired, and stressed that I just reached my breaking point. Todd put his foot down and said I WILL start taking my meds and either he or Anthony would hear the phone and wake me if that is what it took. Once I kinda came back down, we were able to talk things out a bit and I think Todd actually understands a bit more about what is going on with me. The one thing I find is that as I slide I just find it harder to apply things to keep in control of my life. I've been in the market looking for a different job as of late. It didn't help that I was told by the CEO of my company that he didn't think I fit the culture. WTF? Well be sure the next job won't be one with on-call.

Todd mentioned that he wasn't 100% sure me blogging about depression was going to be helpful. I am hoping that this experiment will help me to get what is going on in my head out to the rest of the world. Maybe it will help me, maybe not. I guess we'll see. This whole thing may change to something new if it turns out not helping me or anyone else, maybe it will change.

Low, Lower, Lower,

2010-11-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt so down and low that you can't stop shaking? Thats kind of where I am right now. Things couldn't be worse in life, the job is just wreaking havoc with every aspect of my life. Two docs have advised me to quit. One because of the out of control blood sugars every time I go on call, the other because I have to stop my depression related meds every three weeks to go on call for the week. I can't keep therapeutic levels in my system and I struggle to keep my head above water.

Add on the negativeness of the calls from customers that range from pissed to furious and pushes me further down. Add to that the CEO of the company saying you're not a good fit with the culture (after a year), and you should start looking for another job, things reach a breaking point. I do my best to contain my depression but I've reached the breaking point. Daily cries in the car are not helping anymore. I reach out to my partners, yes I have two, and they try to be there for me. I know they don't fully understand; I know they try their best. I think most people don't. They have no idea how important they are to me. One of my meds, Cymbalta, claims in its commercials "Depression Hurts". And if anyone reading this has been there, you know exactly what it means. My whole body just hurts, my head hurts.

I applied for some 25+ Jobs just in the last 24 hours (easily 80 total by now since I started looking). I'm totally freaked out at being jobless and without insurance. Thank god we're getting rid of Obamacare. People like me would never need that safety net. Here I am doing my best to stay in a job that is having a huge impact on my body, mind, and spirit all for the paycheck, and almost more importantly, the desperately needed insurance.

And in the meantime, I just struggle to stay safe, and it is such a struggle. Why must depression make us all just want to die.

Time for a fresh start

2010-11-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

Decided that it was time to wipe all the old stuff and start out fresh. Since I deal with a lot of depression and insomnia, I thought this might be a way to share and possible reach others out there with similar problems. So if you're a depressed type or one who can't sleep, please, say hi. I have no idea what direction this version of my blog will go (or if anyone will even read it). In part I'm thinking this will be therapy of a sort for me. So, lets get this adventure on the road!